Have you ever had a moment in your relationship where your reaction felt automatic, intense, and almost out of your control?
Maybe your partner made a small comment, and before you knew it, you shut down, lashed out, or felt completely overwhelmed. These sudden, emotional reactions are known as relationship triggers—deep-seated responses that stem from past experiences, often before your current relationship even began.
In episode 25 of Roadmap to Secure Love, Kimberly Castelo and Kyle Benson explore how relationship triggers develop, why they feel so intense, and how we can begin to break free from these patterns to create healthier, more secure connections.
What Are Relationship Triggers?
A relationship trigger is an emotional response that is disproportionate to the current situation. Your body is not just reacting to the moment—you’re reacting to a history of similar experiences, whether from childhood, past relationships, or deeply ingrained beliefs about yourself and love.
Kim shares a personal story in this episode about her intense fear of bees. As a child, she was repeatedly told that a bee sting could be life-threatening. This warning became so ingrained in her mind that any time she saw a bee, her body went into full panic mode. Without thinking, she would scream, run, or do whatever it took to avoid getting stung—even though she had never actually been stung before.
This same instinctive response happens in relationships. When we feel emotionally threatened our brain defaults to fight, flight, or freeze mode, just as if we were facing a physical danger. Due to triggers, what may be emotionally threatening for one person, may not be threatening for another, which is why our reactions may not make sense to our partner.
Why Do Relationship Triggers Feel So Intense?
Triggers feel overwhelming because they activate our nervous system’s survival response. Our brain interprets a certain tone of voice, an unmet need, or a moment of emotional distance as a signal of potential abandonment, rejection, or harm.
Some common triggers in relationships include:
- Feeling ignored or unheard
- Being criticized or judged
- Perceiving a lack of appreciation
- Experiencing emotional distance
- Feeling controlled or manipulated
- Seeing your partner withdraw or shut down
The intensity of our reaction often comes from the meaning we attach to the trigger. For example, if you grew up feeling unheard, then when your partner seems distracted or dismissive, you might unconsciously interpret that as confirmation that you don’t matter. Your response isn’t just about that moment—it’s about every moment in your past where you felt invisible.
The Challenge: Relationship Triggers Create a Cycle of Disconnection
Without awareness, relationship triggers can create a self-reinforcing cycle of conflict and emotional distance:
- Trigger Activated: Your partner does something seemingly small—maybe they forget to respond to a text, or they make a joking remark that stings.
- Emotional Flooding: Your body responds automatically—your heart rate increases, your muscles tense, and suddenly you feel overwhelmed, angry, or deeply hurt.
- Instinctive Reaction: You lash out, withdraw, criticize, or shut down to protect yourself.
- Partner’s Response: Your partner, now reacting to your reaction, either defends themselves, pulls away, or escalates the conflict.
- Reinforcing the Fear: Your original belief (I’m not valued, I’m not safe, I’m not good enough) feels confirmed, and the cycle continues.
This pattern erodes trust and emotional safety, making it harder to build secure intimacy.
The Solution: Breaking the Cycle of Relationship Triggers
The good news? Triggers don’t have to control your relationships. The first step to breaking free is awareness—understanding what’s happening and why.
1. Recognize Your Triggers
Start by identifying specific moments when you feel an intense emotional reaction in your relationship. Ask yourself:
- What just happened?
- What emotions am I feeling?
- What thoughts are running through my mind?
- Have I felt this way before in past relationships or childhood?
Naming your triggers helps separate the past from the present, reducing the automatic pull of old wounds.
2. Slow Down and Regulate Your Nervous System
When triggered, your body is in fight-or-flight mode. You can’t think clearly when you’re emotionally flooded. Some techniques to calm your nervous system include:
- Deep, slow breathing (inhale for four seconds, exhale for eight).
- Grounding exercises (name five things you see, four things you feel, etc.).
- Walking away for a few minutes to reset before responding.
Once your nervous system is regulated, you can engage with your partner in a way that fosters connection rather than conflict.
3. Shift from Blame to Curiosity
Instead of blaming your partner (“Why do you always ignore me?”), get curious about your own reaction:
- Why did this moment feel so intense?
- What story am I telling myself right now?
- Is this reaction about my partner, or is it tied to something deeper?
Curiosity opens the door for growth and deeper self-awareness.
4. Communicate from a Place of Vulnerability
When you understand your trigger, you can express your feelings without attacking your partner. Instead of reacting with anger or criticism, try using a softer approach:
➡️ “When you were on your phone during our conversation, I felt hurt. It reminded me of times in my past when I felt ignored, and I started to shut down. I know that might not have been your intention, but I just wanted to share what came up for me.”
This type of non-blaming communication helps your partner understand your experience without feeling attacked, leading to greater emotional safety.
Final Thoughts: Triggers as a Path to Deeper Connection
Relationship triggers can feel frustrating and overwhelming, but they also offer a powerful opportunity for growth. When we approach them with self-compassion and curiosity, we begin to heal old wounds and develop more secure, resilient relationships.
Instead of seeing triggers as a sign that something is wrong, view them as invitations to understand yourself and your partner more deeply. The more awareness you bring to your emotional reactions, the more power you have to respond differently—and build the kind of love that feels safe, connected, and lasting.If you’re ready to explore your own triggers and create healthier, more secure relationships, tune in to episode 25 of Roadmap to Secure Love.
Follow The Roadmap to Secure Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.
Sign up for The Secure Attachment Path course to learn practical tools for building secure connections.
Until next time, stay connected and keep listening with love.
Listen to previous episodes of the podcast below:
Transcript for Episode 25
Here’s the professionally edited transcript for your episode:
Episode 25: From Bee Phobia to Relationship Drama—The Hidden Link You Never Knew!
[Intro Music]
Kim: Welcome to The Roadmap to Secure Love. In today’s episode, Kyle and I explore how childhood fears—like a fear of bees—can shape our emotional responses and impact our relationships. These fears influence how we connect with our partners in ways we may not even realize. Let’s dive in.
Kim: Okay, I have a confession, Kyle. I’m afraid of bees. Wasps. Even if a fly buzzes near my ear and I don’t immediately recognize it’s a fly, I freak out. I used to react so intensely—I would scream, run, and even flail my arms. I’ve calmed down now, but that’s only because I figured out why I was so afraid.
Kyle: What made you so afraid?
Kim: When I was a kid, I attended a summer camp called Poco Loco, which, in Spanish, means “a little crazy.” Every Friday, we’d go to a forest preserve, eat lunch outside, and spend time in nature. My mom would always remind me before I left, “If you ever get stung by a bee, get help immediately. Always look down so you don’t step on a beehive, because if you get stung, you could be allergic—and you could die.”
Kyle: Wow.
Kim: Yeah, I could die at Poco Loco Camp. On Fridays. Every week, I heard this warning. So, naturally, I would spot a bee on a flower from what felt like a mile away and run in the opposite direction. Everyone would laugh at me. I was thekid who freaked out over bees.
Kim: This went on for years—screaming, running, total panic. And then people started asking, “Are you allergic?” And I would confidently respond, “They can’t catch me. I’ve never been stung!”
Kyle: Because you were so fast at running away?
Kim: Exactly! But then, I had this realization—my fear came from hearing, “You could die at camp on Fridays.” Once I connected the dots, I was able to work through it. And instead of feeling ashamed for freaking out in front of other people, I started giving myself self-compassion. I understood that my fear made sense—because I had been conditioned to believe that a bee sting could be fatal.
Kim: Now, when I see a bee, I acknowledge it, but I don’t panic. In fact, I even took a picture of one once—it landed on my chair, and I just sat there.
Kyle: That’s a big shift!
Kim: It really is. But this story about bees is a playful way to explore what happens in our relationships, too. We often have these intense, automatic reactions—maybe when our partner says something upsetting, we shut down and withdraw. Or we get in our car and drive 50 miles just to escape the situation. Maybe we lash out in anger, or maybe we sink into shame and think, “I’m a terrible person. My partner deserves better. I need to push them away.”
Kyle: Exactly. These coping strategies—what we call protective strategies in emotionally focused couples therapy—are deeply ingrained. Many of us see these reactions as simply who we are or assume they’re caused entirely by our partner’s behavior. But when we pause and ask, “Where did this come from?” we gain clarity.
Kyle: Just like with your fear of bees—it makes perfect sense that if you were told you could die, you’d run away as fast as possible.
Kim: Right!
Kyle: The same thing applies to attachment. If we’ve learned to shut people out, get louder in conflict, or spiral into self-blame, it’s because—at some point—those strategies worked.
Kim: Yes! And for the record, I’ve never been stung by a bee.
Kyle: So, on some primal level, that avoidance did protect you.
Kim: Exactly. And in relationships, we also develop these primal responses. Maybe it’s the need to feel valued. To be loved.
Kyle: Yes—because we’re hardwired to seek connection. And when that connection feels threatened, it can trigger a deep survival response.
Kim: That’s why these reactions feel so intense and out of proportion at times.
Kyle: Absolutely. They’re automatic. And that’s what neuroception is—our nervous system reacts before we consciously process what’s happening. It’s like seeing a stick on the ground and instinctively jumping because your brain registers “snake!” before you even assess the situation.
Kim: Right! And that same process happens in relationships. If our partner says something critical, we might immediatelyreact with anger, withdrawal, or shame—because, on a subconscious level, it feels like a threat to our connection, our security, or our worth.
Kyle: And these reactions can happen so quickly that we don’t even realize what’s driving them. We might storm out of the house, get defensive, or spiral into self-criticism—all before we’ve had a chance to slow down and reflect.
Kim: Oh my gosh, that reminds me of a story. I can’t believe I’m sharing this, but here goes…
Kim: Back in college, there was this guy who was absolutely convinced he was going to marry me. I was not interested, but he was relentless. One day, we were in his car, stopped to talk to a friend. I rolled down the window, and out of nowhere, a bee flew straight at my face.
Kyle: Oh no.
Kim: And what did I do? I dove—headfirst—right into his lap.
Kyle: Oh my gosh.
Kim: I looked up, and this man was grinning like it was the best moment of his life. I was mortified. But my reaction? Totally primal. My brain screamed, “You’re going to die—DIVE!”
Kyle: And that’s exactly what happens in relationships! We react out of fear, and before we know it, we’re caught in a dynamic that feels impossible to escape.
Kim: Yes! And we don’t always understand why we react the way we do. That’s why curiosity is so important.
Kyle: Right. If we don’t pause and ask, “Where did this come from?” we just assume our reactions define us. But when we explore why we do what we do, we can start to change.
Kim: And that’s something we see in therapy all the time. Clients get stuck because they don’t understand why their body reacts a certain way. But once they trace those patterns back—whether it’s learning to self-sacrifice, needing to raise their voice to be heard, or believing they’re unworthy of love—it all starts to make sense.
Kyle: Exactly. The key is self-compassion and curiosity. First, we need to acknowledge that these reactions are normalprotective responses. Then, we can ask, “Why did I react this way? What was at stake for me?”
Kim: Yes! Self-compassion says, “I had a reaction. That’s okay.” And curiosity asks, “What’s this really about?”
Kyle: When we approach ourselves with compassion and curiosity, we create a path toward understanding—and ultimately, change.
Kim: Exactly.
Key Takeaways
1. Understand your triggers – Recognizing where your reactions come from helps you change them.
2. Practice self-compassion – Your reactions make sense given your past experiences.
3. Embrace curiosity – Instead of judging yourself, ask, “Why do I do this?”
4. Regulate your emotions – Grounding techniques can help you respond intentionally.
5. Rewrite your patterns – Awareness and compassion create space for new ways of relating.
Follow The Roadmap to Secure Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube. For practical tools to build secure connections, check out The Secure Attachment Path Course—link in the show notes.
Until next time, stay connected and keep listening—with love.
FAQ – Episode 25: From Bee Phobia to Relationship Drama—The Hidden Link You Never Knew!
1. What is a relationship trigger?
A relationship trigger is an intense emotional reaction to a situation that feels out of proportion to what’s happening in the moment. This happens because the brain isn’t just reacting to the present—it’s responding to past experiences, fears, or insecurities that have been reinforced over time.
2. How does Kim’s fear of bees relate to relationship triggers?
Kim shares a personal story about how she developed an intense fear of bees due to repeated warnings in childhood that a sting could be life-threatening. This fear became so ingrained that any time she saw a bee, her body went into full panic mode—even though she had never been stung before. Similarly, in relationships, we may react strongly to perceived threats (like feeling ignored or criticized) because of past experiences, not just what’s happening in the moment.
3. Why do relationship triggers feel so overwhelming?
Triggers activate the nervous system’s survival response—fight, flight, or freeze—making them feel like life-or-death situations, even when they’re not. For example, if you grew up feeling unseen, a distracted partner might trigger deep feelings of rejection, even if that’s not their intent.
4. What are common relationship triggers?
Some of the most common relationship triggers include:
• Feeling ignored or unheard
• Being criticized or judged
• Perceiving a lack of appreciation
• Experiencing emotional distance
• Feeling controlled or manipulated
• Seeing your partner withdraw or shut down
5. How do relationship triggers create conflict cycles?
Triggers can lead to emotional flooding—your heart races, you feel overwhelmed, and you instinctively react. You might lash out, withdraw, or shut down to protect yourself. Your partner, in turn, responds to your reaction, creating a cycle of disconnection where both people feel misunderstood and unsafe.
6. Can I stop my relationship triggers from happening?
You may not be able to stop triggers from occurring, but you can change how you respond to them. By recognizing your triggers, regulating your emotions, and shifting from blame to curiosity, you can create a healthier, more secure relationship dynamic.
7. What are some practical ways to manage relationship triggers?
• Recognize your triggers – Identify when and why you react strongly in certain situations.
• Regulate your emotions – Use deep breathing, grounding techniques, or take a break before responding.
• Shift from blame to curiosity – Instead of reacting with anger or withdrawal, ask yourself, “Why did this moment feel so intense?”
• Communicate with vulnerability – Share your feelings with your partner without blaming them. Example: “When this happened, it reminded me of times I felt unheard, and I started to shut down.”
8. How can I help my partner if they are triggered?
• Listen with empathy instead of getting defensive.
• Validate their emotions without trying to “fix” them.
• Ask open-ended questions like, “What’s coming up for you?”
• Reassure them that they are safe, valued, and heard.
9. How can therapy help with relationship triggers?
Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) helps individuals and couples understand their emotional patterns and triggers. Therapy provides a safe space to explore past wounds, develop self-awareness, and build new, healthier ways of relating.
10. Where can I learn more about managing relationship triggers?
Tune into Episode 25 of Roadmap to Secure Love on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. For deeper guidance, check out The Secure Attachment Path Course (link in show notes) to learn practical tools for building secure, connected relationships.
by
Leave a reply