Have you ever found yourself in the middle of an argument, saying things you later regret? Maybe you and your partner keep having the same fight over and over, stuck in a loop of frustration and disconnection. If so, you’re not alone.
In episode 24 of the Roadmap to Secure Love podcast, Kimberly Castelo and Kyle Benson unpack how couples can start breaking negative cycles by recognizing the difference between their first response (reactive, conditioned by past experiences) and their second response (intentional, aligned with who they want to be in their relationship).
If you feel trapped in a pattern of criticism, defensiveness, or emotional withdrawal, this episode will help you understand:
✔️ Why your first response isn’t always your best response
✔️ How early attachment experiences shape your reactions in relationships
✔️ Why negative cycles feel so hard to break
✔️ The power of slowing down and making space for a second response
✔️ Practical steps to shift from conflict to connection
Let’s explore why these patterns happen and how you can start changing them today.
Why Do We Keep Reacting the Same Way?
When conflict arises, many of us react automatically without thinking. We may lash out, shut down, or say something we don’t mean. These first responses aren’t random—they’re shaped by years of past experiences, family dynamics, and attachment patterns.
For example:
- If your childhood home was highly critical, you may respond to feedback with defensiveness or over-explaining.
- If you experienced emotional neglect, you may withdraw or avoid conflict altogether.
- If love felt conditional, you might go into people-pleasing mode, saying yes when you really mean no.
These first responses once served a purpose—they helped you navigate your early environment. But in adult relationships, they can lead to miscommunication and emotional disconnection.
The good news? You don’t have to be stuck in these patterns.
The Second Response: Choosing a Different Path
In the Roadmap to Secure Love podcast, Kyle shares how he learned to pause before reacting and make space for a second response. Instead of letting his automatic reaction take over, he started asking himself:
👉 Is this reaction helping or hurting our connection?
👉 What do I really need in this moment?
👉 How can I express that in a way that my partner can hear?
For example, instead of saying, “You never help around the house!”, a second response could be:
“I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now. It would mean a lot to me if you could take over tidying up the living room.”
This small shift—from blame to expressing a need—can completely change how your partner responds.
💡 Your first response is based on past patterns. Your second response is based on who you want to be in your relationship.
Why Breaking Negative Cycles Is Hard
Even when we recognize our patterns, it can still be incredibly difficult to change them. Here’s why:
1. Our Nervous System Reacts Before We Do
When conflict happens, our fight, flight, or freeze response kicks in, making it hard to slow down and think clearly. Our first response happens almost instantly because our brain perceives a threat—even when there isn’t one.
🛠 Solution: When you feel triggered, take a deep breath, pause, and remind yourself: I don’t have to react right now. I can choose a different response. You can also tell your partner that your reaction was your first response and ask them to make space for your second response, who you are today.
2. Growth Takes Time
If your partner has hurt you in the past, it’s natural to be skeptical when they try to change. You might think, “How do I know this time is different?”
🛠 Solution: Give growth time to unfold. If your partner is making an effort to respond differently, acknowledge their growth instead of assuming they will always react the same way they have in the past.
3. Unlearning Old Patterns Feels Uncomfortable
Breaking negative cycles requires rewiring deeply ingrained behaviors, which can feel awkward and even unnatural at first.
🛠 Solution: Give yourself grace. It’s okay to slip up. What matters is that you keep practicing and moving toward the connection you want to build.
Key Takeaways from the Episode
If you’re committed to breaking negative cycles in your relationship, here’s what you need to remember:
✔️ Your first response is automatic, but your second response is a choice.
✔️ Blame fuels disconnection; expressing needs creates understanding. Shift from “You always do this” to “This is what I need.”
✔️ Growth takes time—trust the process. If your partner is trying to change, make space for that growth instead of shutting it down.
✔️ Your past does not have to define your future. You have the power to respond differently and create a healthier relationship dynamic.
✔️ Pausing before reacting can change everything. Take a breath, slow down, and ask yourself, “What do I actually want to communicate?”
Breaking Negative Cycles Starts With You
You don’t have to stay stuck in the same old conflicts. By recognizing your first response, making space for a second response, and learning to express your needs differently, you can transform your relationship into a place of deeper connection and trust.If you and your partner want to go deeper into attachment, emotional connection, and relationship healing, we’ve got the perfect next step for you.
Follow The Roadmap to Secure Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.
Sign up for The Secure Attachment Path course to learn practical tools for building secure connections.
Until next time, stay connected and keep listening with love.
Listen to previous episodes of the podcast below:
Transcript for Episode 24:
In today’s episode of “The Roadmap to Secure Love,” Kim and Kyle delve into how our initial reactions during conflicts are often rooted in our past experiences, and how creating space for a considered response can foster growth in relationships.
Kim: My dear husband and I are approaching our 25th anniversary this year, Kyle.
Kyle: Twenty-five years, that’s remarkable!
Kim: When we first married, it wasn’t all bliss; it was challenging. He read a book—I can’t recall the title now—but he shared an insightful concept with me. He said, “The first response is my family of origin; the second response is the man I’m striving to be.” For the first year of our marriage, during disagreements, he’d often say, “That was my first response; make space for my second response.” Even though we don’t verbalize it anymore, this approach still influences us 25 years later. Today, I want to explore how our first response stems from our family of origin and how we can cultivate a more intentional second response.
Kyle: Many of us have reactive tendencies shaped by our upbringing—our attachment patterns. These initial reactions often trigger similar responses in our partners, leading to unproductive cycles. For instance, after cooking and cleaning, I might find myself doing the dishes while my wife is still working. I can feel frustration building, leading me to criticize internally: “I’ve done all this, and you haven’t contributed.” If I voice that frustration, it sends a message that she’s inadequate, prompting defensiveness. Instead, if I pause and recognize that beneath my frustration is a need for help and feelings of overwhelm, I can communicate more effectively. Saying, “I’m really overwhelmed right now; could you help tidy up the living room when you’re done?” conveys my needs without blame and fosters partnership.
Kim: That’s a constructive approach. For me, speaking up has been a lifelong challenge. My default, influenced by my family of origin, is to say “yes” to requests to feel accepted and competent, even when it leads to burnout. I’m learning to honor my true feelings by initially agreeing but then reassessing and, if necessary, retracting my agreement. It’s awkward to go back and say, “I know I said yes, but I need to change that to no.” However, it’s essential for self-care and reinforces that my worth isn’t tied to always accommodating others.
Kyle: That’s a powerful realization. Our automatic first responses aim to meet certain needs—like acceptance or avoiding conflict—but they can undermine our well-being. By creating space for a second response, we align our actions with our true selves and values.
Kim: Exactly. This concept is universal. Whether it’s about household chores, social commitments, or other areas, we all carry patterns from our past that may not serve our present relationships.
Kyle: In therapy, I see couples stuck in these first-response patterns, leading to misunderstandings. It’s crucial for individuals to recognize their automatic reactions and for partners to allow space for each other’s growth. For example, if I react with anger, my partner might become defensive. But if I acknowledge my initial reaction and express the underlying vulnerability—like feeling alone or unsupported—it opens the door for genuine connection.
Kim: So, it’s about work on both sides: the speaker being aware of their reactions and the listener making space for the other’s growth. It’s challenging because when you’re hurt, it’s hard to stay open and receptive.
Kyle: Absolutely. The speaker should acknowledge their misstep, and the listener, despite feeling hurt, is invited to remain open to the genuine intent behind the corrected response. This mutual effort fosters growth and strengthens the relationship.
Kim: Being part of each other’s growth is vital. I want to support my partner’s development, and I need him to support mine. Even when mistakes happen, creating space for each other’s second response allows the relationship to evolve positively.
Kyle: When partners make room for each other’s growth, it encourages showing up differently over time. If, instead, we block these efforts by holding onto the initial reaction, it stifles growth and keeps the relationship stagnant.
Kim: Growth in a relationship can either connect us or create distance. Change is inevitable; the person I was 25 years ago isn’t who I am today. By choosing to be part of each other’s growth, we become a stronger team, and the relationship evolves beautifully through life’s stages.
Kyle: Without embracing change, relationships can become stagnant. We might still be changing individually, but if the relationship doesn’t adapt, it can lead to disconnection.
Kim: Exactly. If we don’t engage in each other’s growth, we risk growing apart. But by making space for each other’s second responses, we foster a dynamic and fulfilling partnership.
Kyle: In our therapy sessions, we often guide couples to recognize their first responses and explore the underlying feelings. This process helps partners connect on a deeper level and supports mutual growth.
Kim: It’s about noticing whose voice we’re responding with—is it ours or someone from our past? By identifying this, we can choose how we want to show up and make conscious changes that align with our true selves.
Kyle: This introspection allows us to break free from unhelpful patterns and fosters a more authentic and secure connection with our partners.
Kim: The goal is to create space for each other’s growth, allowing for mistakes and supporting the journey toward becoming our best selves together.
Kyle: By embracing this approach, we can transform our relationships into sources of connection, trust, and emotional safety. When we allow space for growth, we open the door to deeper intimacy and understanding.
Kim: Right, and that’s what we really want—relationships where we feel truly seen and valued. But that only happens when we’re willing to pause and reflect instead of just reacting out of old wounds or ingrained patterns.
Kyle: Exactly. If we always let our first response take over, we’re essentially letting our past dictate our present. But when we create space for a second response, we reclaim our ability to choose how we engage in our relationships.
Kim: And that’s empowering! It means we don’t have to stay stuck in the same patterns that have led to pain or disconnection in the past. We can choose a different way, a way that brings us closer instead of driving us apart.
Kyle: Yes. And I think what’s important to recognize is that this process is not about perfection. It’s about awareness and effort. We won’t always get it right on the first try, and that’s okay.
Kim: Absolutely. The key is progress, not perfection. If we can acknowledge when we fall into old patterns and then course-correct with a second response, we’re already making huge strides in our relationships.
Kyle: And the more we practice this, the more natural it becomes. Over time, our second response—our chosen response—can become our default.
Kim: Yes! And that’s when relationships start to feel really safe and secure—when both partners know that even if a first response is triggered, there’s space to adjust, to communicate, and to connect in a healthier way.
Kyle: That’s the foundation of a secure relationship: knowing that you and your partner are committed to growth, to understanding, and to making space for each other’s best selves.
Kim: So as we wrap up, let’s leave our listeners with some key takeaways.
Kyle: First, recognize that our first responses in conflict are often shaped by our past—our family of origin, past relationships, or ingrained beliefs.
Kim: Second, pause before reacting. Giving yourself space allows you to shift from reacting to responding in a way that aligns with who you want to be.
Kyle: Third, making space for growth strengthens relationships. When we allow ourselves and our partners room to evolve, we create deeper trust and intimacy.
Kim: And fourth, intentional communication fosters connection. When both partners embrace the second response, relationships become more secure and fulfilling.
Kyle: So remember, relationships grow when we make space for change and for each other’s best selves.
Kim: And we hope you take this into your relationships—whether romantic, familial, or friendships. Growth happens when we create room for it.
Follow The Roadmap to Secure Love on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube. And if you want to dive deeper into building secure connections, check out the Secure Attachment Path Course—the link is in the show notes.
Until next time, stay connected and keep listening with love.
FAQ: Why Do We Keep Reacting the Same Way?
1. Why do I keep having the same argument with my partner?
Many couples get stuck in negative interaction cycles because their first response in conflict is shaped by past experiences, childhood dynamics, and attachment patterns. These automatic reactions—whether it’s anger, defensiveness, or withdrawal—can make it feel like the same argument keeps happening. The good news? You can break the cycle by choosing a second response that fosters connection instead of disconnection.
2. What is the difference between a first response and a second response?
• First Response: Automatic, shaped by past experiences, often reactive and defensive.
• Second Response: A conscious choice, based on who you want to be in your relationship.
For example: Instead of saying, “You never help around the house!”, a second response could be, “I’m feeling overwhelmed. It would mean a lot to me if you could take over tidying up the living room.” This shift from blame to expressing a need encourages healthier communication.
3. How does my past shape my reactions in conflict?
Your early experiences influence how you respond in relationships today:
• If you grew up in a critical household, you might react with defensiveness or over-explaining.
• If you experienced emotional neglect, you may withdraw or avoid conflict.
• If love felt conditional, you might people-please instead of voicing your true feelings.
While these patterns helped you navigate your early environment, they can create miscommunication and emotional disconnection in adult relationships. Recognizing these tendencies is the first step in changing them.
4. Why is breaking negative cycles so hard?
Even when we want to change, three key challenges make it difficult:
🔹 Our Nervous System Reacts Before We Do
When conflict happens, our fight, flight, or freeze response kicks in, making it hard to slow down and think clearly.
🛠 Solution: Pause, take a deep breath, and remind yourself: “I don’t have to react right now. I can choose a different response.”
🔹 Growth Takes Time
If your partner has hurt you in the past, it’s natural to be skeptical when they try to change.
🛠 Solution: Give change time. If your partner is working on responding differently, acknowledge their effort instead of assuming they’ll always react the same way.
🔹 Unlearning Old Patterns Feels Uncomfortable
Breaking negative cycles requires rewiring deeply ingrained behaviors, which can feel awkward at first.
🛠 Solution: Give yourself grace. Slip-ups are normal—what matters is continuing to practice healthier responses.
5. What are some practical ways to respond differently in conflict?
Try these shifts to foster connection instead of conflict:
✔️ Instead of “You always ignore me!”, say “I feel unheard and need reassurance.”
✔️ Instead of “You never do anything around here!”, say “I’m overwhelmed. Can you help with this task?”
✔️ Instead of shutting down, try saying, “I need a moment to collect my thoughts before we continue.”
Pausing before reacting creates space for deeper understanding.
6. How can I support my partner’s growth while working on my own?
Creating space for your partner’s second response is just as important as working on your own. If they’re making an effort to change, acknowledge it instead of holding them to past mistakes. This builds trust and encourages both partners to keep growing together.
7. What’s the biggest takeaway from this episode?
✔️ Your first response is automatic, but your second response is a choice.
✔️ Blame fuels disconnection—expressing needs creates understanding.
✔️ Growth takes time, so trust the process and support each other.
✔️ Your past does not have to define your future—you have the power to change your patterns.
✔️ Pausing before reacting can change everything.
8. What’s the next step in breaking negative cycles?
If you’re ready to change how you communicate in relationships, here’s how to dive deeper:
🎧 Listen to this full episode of Roadmap to Secure Love on:
🔹 Apple Podcasts
🔹 Spotify
🔹 YouTube
📢 Sign up for The Secure Attachment Path course to learn practical tools for building deeper emotional connections. (Link in the show notes.)
💡 Until next time, stay connected and keep listening with love. ❤️
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