Parenting young children is a journey filled with love, laughter, and growth—but it’s also one of the most challenging stages for couples. The constant demands of caregiving, sleepless nights, and balancing work and home life often lead to stress, frustration, and conflict in relationships. In episode 23 of the Roadmap to Secure Love podcast, Kimberly Castelo and Kyle Benson delve into the complexities of managing parenting chaos and offer practical tools to help partners stay connected in the midst of the madness.
If you’re a parent trying to navigate this overwhelming stage of life, you’re not alone. Here are the key insights and strategies from the episode to help you manage the chaos and strengthen your relationship.
The Challenges of Parenting Chaos
Parenting isn’t just about raising children—it’s about managing the ripple effects that this responsibility creates in your relationship and daily life. Kim and Kyle discuss the unique pressures parents face, from the endless cycle of diapers and dishes to the emotional toll of sleepless nights.
For many couples, the stress of parenting manifests in what Kyle describes as a “tit-for-tat” cycle. This is where partners keep score of who’s doing what, often leading to resentment and conflict. Common examples include arguments over chores, feelings of unfairness, or one partner accusing the other of not doing enough.
When this cycle takes hold, it’s easy for couples to lose sight of what really matters: their partnership. As Kim points out, the chaos of parenting isn’t the fault of either partner—it’s the situation itself. Understanding this distinction is the first step to breaking free from conflict and working as a team.
Key Takeaways for Managing Parenting Chaos
1. See the Chaos as a Shared Problem
The first step to managing parenting chaos is shifting your mindset. Instead of seeing your partner as the problem, recognize that the stress and responsibilities of parenting are a shared challenge.
Kim explains that when you identify the chaos as the true “enemy,” you can start working together to address it. This mindset shift fosters compassion and teamwork, turning moments of tension into opportunities for connection.
2. Use the “Name It, Tame It, Change It” Approach
Kim and Kyle introduce a simple yet effective framework for navigating stressful moments:
- Name It: Acknowledge your feelings without blame. For example, say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need a break.”
- Tame It: Make a clear and specific request for support, like, “Can you take over the bedtime routine tonight so I can recharge?”
- Change It: When your partner steps up, express gratitude and celebrate the effort. This positive reinforcement strengthens the partnership and encourages teamwork.
This method not only reduces stress but also creates a sense of shared purpose and understanding in your relationship.
3. Celebrate the Small Wins
In the chaos of parenting, it’s easy to focus on what isn’t getting done. Kim and Kyle emphasize the importance of shifting your focus to the small wins—both yours and your partner’s.
For example, if your partner takes care of the dishes or handles a difficult bedtime routine, take a moment to acknowledge and thank them. A simple “Thank you for stepping up tonight—it made a huge difference for me” can go a long way in building connection and appreciation.
Celebrating small wins not only strengthens your bond but also helps you maintain a positive outlook during tough times.
4. Build a Strong Support Network
Parenting doesn’t have to be a solo mission. Kim and Kyle highlight the value of building a support network to share the load. This might mean swapping babysitting duties with a friend, hiring a part-time nanny, or outsourcing tasks like grocery shopping through services like Instacart.
By creating more space for yourself and your partner, you can reduce stress and focus on what truly matters: connection. A strong support system can also provide much-needed breaks, allowing you to recharge and show up as your best self for your family.
5. Let Go of Perfection & Make Space for Connection
One of the standout lessons from the episode is the idea of choosing connection over perfection. As Kyle shares, societal pressures often push parents to maintain a spotless home or perfect routine, but this can come at the cost of meaningful connection.
Instead of striving for perfection, embrace the chaos and prioritize what matters most. Whether it’s sitting on the floor to play with your kids or carving out 10 minutes to connect with your partner, these moments of connection will be far more memorable than a clean house. This might mean scheduling a date night, enjoying a quiet moment after the kids go to bed, or simply checking in with each other throughout the day.
Parenting often leaves little room for personal connection, but Kim and Kyle stress the importance of carving out intentional time for your relationship. By prioritizing your relationship, you create a foundation of support and love that helps you navigate the challenges of parenting together.
Practical Tips for Managing Parenting Chaos
- Communicate Clearly: Share your feelings and needs openly without blame.
- Practice Gratitude: Regularly thank your partner for their efforts, big or small.
- Create a Routine: Work together to develop routines that minimize stress.
- Delegate and Outsource: Don’t hesitate to ask for help or use services to ease your workload.
- Embrace the Mess: Let go of unrealistic standards and focus on connection over perfection.
Final Thoughts
Parenting chaos is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to overwhelm your relationship. By shifting your perspective, communicating effectively, and prioritizing connection, you can turn this challenging season into an opportunity for growth and deeper intimacy with your partner.
It’s not about being perfect parents or partners—it’s about being present for each other. When you embrace teamwork, gratitude, and flexibility, you create a foundation for a strong, connected family.
Follow The Roadmap to Secure Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube.
Sign up for The Secure Attachment Path course to learn practical tools for building secure connections.
Until next time, stay connected and keep listening with love.
Listen to previous episodes of the podcast below:
Transcript:
From Chaos to Connection: 5 Tips for Parenting and Partnership Success | Episode 23
Welcome to the Roadmap to Secure Love. In today’s episode, Kyle and I discuss how to navigate the chaos of parenting while staying connected as a couple. Let’s dive in.
Kim: Who are our parents out there? We’ve got little kids running around; it’s illness season, so there’s sickness everywhere. Coming home from daycare because your kid is sick, then you’re sick, and you can’t go to work. You’ve got diapers, bottles, and more. And somehow, in the midst of all this energy, you and your partner are probably struggling, probably fighting.
Kyle: Exactly, Kim. This episode is dedicated to all our parents out there on how we can survive and actually become closer, not drift farther apart. I’m so excited because I have a 2-year-old and an eight-month-old, and it is pure chaos. There has been a lot more conflict and tension because we’re just so stretched.
Kim: Yeah, Kyle, it’s a developmental thing. From birth until death, there are developmental stages that we go through. One of them is having children. Anything that comes into the system, like children, or when your children have a significant other who comes back into the system, or anything, the system—the family system—adjusts. And anything that leaves the system, like when they go to college or somebody passes away, again, the system adjusts. You really need tools for all of these developmental stages that all of us are going to go through so that we stay connected instead of becoming distant.
Kyle: I know, like as we’ve talked about clients with kids, even me having our two little ones, there’s a lot more stress. You’ve got two kids crying at the same time, trying to cook breakfast, trying to get them ready—one to go to daycare, one for the nanny. It’s just constant. How are we going to juggle this? It’s so easy to start snapping at each other, talking about how you’re not doing enough, how you’re the problem. That’s such a common pattern we also see in the clients that have kids and feel stretched.
Kim: As we start to attack our partner when we’re feeling so overwhelmed, like we just don’t have the capacity, and things feel chaotic and unpredictable. Wow, you get into that tit-for-tat cycle: “Well, I cleaned the bottles, did you change the diapers?” And before you know it, you guys are enemies. So what do we do? The first thing is to start seeing that the chaos, the situation you’re in, is the problem that you both are facing. You’re actually in it together. Often, it is so important to see that this is our life, that we are both in it together.
Kyle: How we’re feeling, one partner might feel totally exhausted, the other partner might feel anxious and overwhelmed, but it’s important, first of all, not to see each other as the problem or the enemy. See that the situation, the stress, the things we’re trying to manage that we feel like we can’t manage, are causing us to feel chaotic on the inside. So, the first thing is we’ve got to name it.
Kim: Okay, then you know our saying, name it, tame it, change it. Okay, so then how do we tame it? So we’ve named it, like, “I am totally stressed out, I’m up to here in diaper poop, I don’t know where to go, I can’t, I have so much going on.” Then, what do we do? We try to ask our partner for help with what we’re feeling. If they have bandwidth—and they might not—but I think this is the part instead of going, “You don’t do this, you don’t do enough diaper changes, you didn’t cook enough meals, you didn’t clean enough of the dishes, you got to spend 10 minutes on your phone, I haven’t done that yet.” We actually say, “I am feeling so overwhelmed, and I just am ready to check out. Do you have the capacity to finish up the dishes? That would really help me feel supported right now.”
Kyle: Yeah, so to tame it, you’ve got to say what you need, so we’ve got to say something in a very clear way so our partner can be successful. And also give space that they might not actually have the bandwidth at that time to do it. Yeah, so be okay with the no. Uh-huh. So then that also means that we, on the other end, have got to be able to listen because not only am I saying something, but I also have to make space to hear when my partner clearly tells me what they need. So I’ve got to speak and listen.
Kim: Yeah, that’s where we build that partnership. And here’s the other tricky part, Brené Brown talks about this: we’re not all going to be able to give 50% or 100% all the time. Some days I might have to give 80%, and my partner gives 20%; some days it’s flipped. But it is us continually talking about how we’re feeling, making that chaos and the stress we’re experiencing the problem, and reaching for each other with what we need and negotiating in a healthy way. How do we survive this together? How do we stay connected, and how do we get through this together? That actually starts to, after naming it and taming it, starts to change that pattern.
Kyle: Yeah, so we name it, “I’m feeling overwhelmed, I’m feeling tired, I’m feeling like I can’t keep up.” Then to tame it, I’ve got to clearly say what I need, be okay with the possible no, and also open up my ability to listen to what my partner needs. And then to change it, we start implementing those things and we slow down enough to celebrate it. What do you mean by celebrating that?
Kim: Yeah, go into that. Yeah, so for example, if I go, “I just cannot do another diaper,” and my partner steps up and does the diapers for the rest of the day, I can just go, “Well, yeah, that’s what they should be doing,” or I can go, “Thank you. I really asked for that, and it really helped me a lot. Thank you so much for being a team with me.” It made a difference. So that means I’ve got to kind of slow down and kind of feel what it feels like not to do another diaper that day and to have my partner listen to me. And then to really allow my partner to know that they made a difference, which means I’ve got to slow down enough to feel it, which is hard to do when you’ve got little kids running around and saying, “I want this, I want that,” or no, no, no, or no words at all, just crying, just crying and screaming or fighting, no idea what they are talking about.
Kyle: But I think this is so important, like even this morning, my whole family’s sick. We’re all—both our littles, my wife, and I—are sick. She had to go into a work meeting; she had to leave right at 9:00. We got to drop off one of the kids; we have someone come over to help us take care of our eight-month-old. It was pure chaos this morning, and after getting the kids ready, I took both kids with me to drop off one of our kids. I gave my wife some time to shower and get ready for her meeting, and then I got home and started right into getting some of the dishes done and some of the other things because our house looked like a bomb went off. And as my wife walked out the door, she said, “Thank you so much. I saw all that you did to clean up our house, and that I wasn’t there to kind of help out. Thank you for helping me get to my meeting on time.” And that I was like, “Oh, thank you for seeing that. I really appreciate you naming that.” And I made space to receive that. She saw my effort, saw me putting in that 80% so that she could also get what she needed, and that we could survive as a family unit through that chaotic morning.
Kim: Yeah, that’s beautiful. That’s how we do it, and it’s going to get crunchy, right? It’s going to get hard, and that’s okay. That’s okay; life, and then I got to tell you, I have an older child, right? So, a college student. It’s still hard. It’s just a different kind of hard, right? Um, life is hard. Parenting is hard, and the only way to survive is not allowing ourselves to get into a tit-for-tat cycle, right? And to really, really use our voice, name what we need, and to celebrate when we’re being heard, right? And I think this is also so important when we notice ourselves because this happens for me. I’m like, “Ah, I’ve done the nap. My wife took a nap, and I was on duty, and I did this, and I did that.” And it’s so easy for me to be like, “Oh, she’s not doing enough,” and just want to blast her the moment she walks out of the her nap room, right?
But that doesn’t help us get closer or survive. No, no. The whole reason I have that narrative is there’s something I need. So how can I explore, what is it that I need here? Do I need a break? Do I need her to step up? Do I need acknowledgment? Do I need us to connect this evening and watch a funny show? What is it that I can use this frustration, this anger I’m experiencing right now, to help me and my partner succeed?
And that’s hard, especially in the moments when we’re feeling overwhelmed, and we’re feeling like we’re back to back child care, chores, and we don’t have time for ourselves. How do we bring that to them in a way that helps us connect? And I’m thinking, as you were talking about, like what would I need at that moment? I was like, “I need a nap too.” That’s what I would be asking for. And that’s actually what I asked for.
Kyle: Yeah, I need to sleep. So we’re switching times. Yeah, and that’s exactly what we did yesterday. I love that. But I think there’s also another part here too, right? Developmentally, like having your daughter go to college, how did you and your husband navigate that change, that chaos? So much tears. It was so hard, and then we had to, like, talk about our grief, our worries, you know, um, be intentional about going out on dates, you know, because usually it was like the three of us going out or whatever, and um, what was cool is that we looked at each other one night and said, “Guess what? We still like each other, and we think we’re fun to hang out with.” So that was fun, but it was a lot of like, “Oh my God, she hasn’t texted. That was me, okay, let’s just be honest.
Oh my gosh, hasn’t texted in two days. I wonder if she’s okay, you know, right? Um, and my husband like, “I hope she gets all of you know, that paperwork in because we need to make sure she has her health insurance,” and you know, that’s what we fell into, and just supporting each other, saying like, “Of course we’re worried, and she can do it. She’s going to be okay,” um, but we had to share. We had to cry about it. We had to worry about it, and not tell each other like, “Get over it.” We had to listen, and then we had to make time for ourselves intentionally instead of just sitting at home and being like, “Oh, right now, we would be doing something with, you know, our partner, um, or I’d be doing something with my kid right now.” Instead of doing that, we’re like, “Oh, we’re going to go hang out.” And I think this is also right for parents with younger kids too. How do you expand that network so you get some space from that system? Can you talk about that? You and I talked about that a little bit before.
Kyle: Oh my gosh, you totally, yeah, you totally, especially at your stage, Kyle, you totally have to expand your network. So when we had a baby, you know, we were all by ourselves. Our family lived very far away. We had nobody. Hell, if I could just say how hard that is, um, but we had a neighbor whose kid was just one year older, and so we would watch their kid for one weekend, and then they would watch our kid for one weekend. So we would do that several times a month, you know, um, and the kids grew up together. They were so had so much fun. They were so close, and we could breathe. We just needed a break. Um, but again, if there was illness or things like that, we had no, we had nobody. We had nobody, so we had to really rely on nannies or hiring a student, you know, um, ‘cause my husband worked at a college, you know, to come help us. Um, now we have the joy of Instacart, so I’m like, “I am not grocery shopping anymore. I’m going to do Instacart,” or whatever, and just really kind of think outside of the box on how you can get things done in an efficient way and create space. But it’s hard. It is hard, and I think this is something too, like I mean, we use Instacart. That’s, we don’t go grocery shopping because we don’t have bandwidth for it, but one of the things like when our, when we had both kids going through that first 3 months, all the dishes, all the laundry didn’t get touched until both kids were put down. And then it was right from kids go to sleep into chores, then we go to sleep.
Kim: And there was just no time for us. And one of the things that we started doing is, okay, you double up on both kids. I’m going to knock out chores, and then we’re going to swap. And that way, when it hit 7:00, 7:30, and it’s their bedtime, all the chores are done, and we get time for ourselves as individuals to work out, to read, to sit on the couch, and then we get time to watch our favorite show or just lay in bed and connect. And so that is something, like again, looking at, how can we be creative to help our stress, and what do we need as parents? What do we need as a couple to survive this chaotic season? Yes, and you know what, this is before I had children, um, but we used to watch a friend of ours. Uh, they had three children, two boys and a little girl, so my husband and I would come over and watch, and we’re like, “We’re getting ourselves ready on how to have children,” you know. And every single time we went there, their house was a mess. MH, I mean, like a mess. MH, they, and they would just look at me and be like, “Okay, just watch where you step ‘cuz it really hurts to step on a Lego.”
Yeah, and I was like, “Okay,” and finally, the mom just, like, came up to me, she’s like, “One day when you have kids, there’s going to be a lot of pressure to keep the house clean,” she says, “Look at how chaotic my house is every single time,” she’s like, “I choose connection instead of a clean house.” And the people who love us, like at the time, us, don’t care, right. They watch where they step so they don’t step on a Lego. I think that was the first time I stepped on a Lego, by the way, and it did hurt. It does. Buggers are like, it hurts. MH, but it stuck with me, of like, the permission not to have the house a certain way all the time, right, and to make a decision for sitting on the floor and doing Legos or the two boys always love to wrestle, so to wrestle, um, instead of cleaning up, right. I, the people who love you will be fine with it. One of the things that my wife and I talked about is what do we have to neglect? What is going to get neglected?
Sometimes that is the dishes; sometimes, the dishes have to wait for the next day, and we’re going to have to eat out in the morning just to make it through, right. Or the dog doesn’t get a walk every single day, so gets love and cuddles, but we don’t have the bandwidth for a walk, right. And so there is a part where we are tolerating and accepting that not everything will get done that we wish could get done, and that we don’t have to feel shame or judgment for that. And that is freeing in itself to go, yeah, that we are intentionally neglecting this stuff so we can survive tomorrow or we can survive the rest of the day, or what we need most is not to do the dishes but to sit on the couch and connect and to go to sleep knowing that the dishes are piled up in the sink. It’ll probably need to be scrubbed even harder tomorrow, but that, that’s tomorrow. And we got to connect with each other, which was so much better, or enjoy time with our kids and not just try to shove the chores in while they’re awake too.
So what I’m hearing is that what you did in that is that you chose yourself. So you became a champion for the things that were important, and I think sometimes we just have to do that for ourselves and be like, you know what, I’m going to celebrate that. I’m going to celebrate that I said no to dishes today because I just didn’t care, which I think is a lot harder than how it sounds ‘cuz like for me, the narrative is, “Oh, you’re not a responsible adult.” Like there’s so much shame that can come with that. “Look at how disgusting your house is. Like a bomb went off. People came in here, they’d judge you,” and some people would, but the people who we do care about, who we do let in our home when our home looks like that, really don’t care ‘cuz their homes also look the exact same. And so we all get it, but I think being able to tolerate that and not go into a shame spiral, right, which often leads me to get angry of, “I’m not doing enough, and I got to do more. We got to get more, better organized,” and just go,
“Okay, this is what we’re choosing, and to be okay with that has been huge for managing that chaos and stress.” Yeah, and I want to take it a step farther. I don’t want you just to just be okay with it. I want you to celebrate it, to be like, “Yay, I’m so proud of myself. I am not doing the dishes today, and I’m doing what I need,” right? We don’t do that enough, especially when we have kids. Everything goes on the back burner, and I think that’s what’s so powerful. The reminder to celebrate it is actually going to help us remember that as we take that time, as we make that choice, there’s not going to be shame and guilt that’s going to pile up and actually take away from that rest or connection. And it’s going to allow us to really be in the moment and connect with our partner or connect with ourselves in a way that gives us more capacity, gives us more breathing room so we can show up the next day, but honoring ourselves when there’s literally no room to honor ourselves, and celebrating that. I think it’s such a profound way to get through that season, actually doing it pretty darn well.
When my daughter was growing up, she really loved Ariel, you know, um, and so she would pick up rocks, and at one time, I think we had like 200 rocks in our house, and she put them, like, right under the TV, and she would say, “This is my collection. This is my collection.” And you know, their rocks, they weren’t pretty. They took up everything, all the space, but looking back, she still talks about, “Remember when I had my collection, you know, as Ariel?” She’s like, “I love that.” Memories are about that, right? Not about how the house looked or all the things we checked off. It is about connection. It is about having fun. It is about turning into our partners, turning into our kids, asking for help, and being met. It sounds like a good life. I think this is what’s so paradoxical.
There’s so much research that says the happiest humans thrive because of their connection with others, and yet we have all these pressures of our house has to look a certain way, our cars, our chores, all the stuff we have to get done has to be a certain way, and it can rob us of that connection. It can rob us of, “No, our TV stand cannot have a bunch of rocks on it. You can only have one rock.” It can miss out on that collection that our kid cherishes and remembers for the rest of their life. And so I think this is an important thing too, is as a couple, how do you choose that connection with yourselves as well as with your kids and come up with your own views on what your home will look like? And I think that example of the collection is such a beautiful imagery to that you and your husband defined. “We can live with these rocks because look at the joy and connection that brings our daughter.”
So we’ve got to name it, how we’re feeling. We’ve got to tame it by telling about what we need, being okay with the no, and also listening to what our partner’s needs, and it leads to changing it. And when we change it, we want to celebrate it, even if that change is hard, even that change is not doing the dishes, even that change is focusing on something else, celebrating that. And Al getting the support when you get someone to watch your kids for a little bit, and it’s just the two of you, not, “Okay, we got to get back at this time,” but, “Here we are. I’ve missed you. Isn’t it so great just to see you again?”
Expanding your network is a huge must as someone who did not have family close. Yeah, I had to think outside the box a lot in order to stay grounded, have to survive. Yeah, and I just had one. Imagine if I had like two, like you do. Yeah, it’s a big who. But I think this is the part, one, three, right? It’s so much stress. It’s hard, and how do we as partners survive it together? How do we as a family unit survive it together? And these steps, you know, name it, talk to our feelings, be able to share it with our partner, ask for what we need in a clear way, see that cycle, a tit-for-tat cycle, as the problem, be able to expand our network, and celebrate the choices we make can really help us survive it together rather than let it pull us apart, which happens to so many couples.
Today’s episode reminded us of some powerful tools for navigating parenting stress. One, see the stress and chaos as shared. Two, communicate needs clearly. Three, celebrate small wins. Four, expand your support network. And five, prioritize connection over perfection. Follow the Roadmap to Secure Love on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube. Sign up for the Secure Attachment Path course to learn practical tools for building secure connections. Link in the show notes. Until next time, stay connected and keep listening with love.
FAQ for Podcast Episode: Navigating Parenting Chaos
Q1: What are the main challenges of parenting discussed in the episode?
A1: The episode highlights the “tit-for-tat” cycle where partners may keep score of each other’s contributions, leading to resentment. Parenting is portrayed not just as raising children but also managing its impact on relationships and everyday life, including the emotional and physical toll of responsibilities like chores and sleepless nights.
Q2: How can couples manage the stress and chaos of parenting more effectively?
A2: The episode suggests a shift in mindset to view the chaos as a shared problem, not a partner’s fault. Recognizing the stress and responsibilities as a joint challenge can foster compassion and teamwork, helping couples support each other more effectively.
Q3: What is the “Name It, Tame It, Change It” approach mentioned in the episode?
A3: This method involves three steps:
• Name It: Acknowledge feelings without blame.
• Tame It: Make a specific request for support.
• Change It: Express gratitude when your partner supports you.
This approach aims to reduce stress and foster a sense of shared purpose and understanding.
Q4: Why is celebrating small wins important in managing parenting chaos?
A4: Focusing on and celebrating small victories helps maintain a positive outlook and strengthens the bond between partners. Acknowledging efforts like handling bedtime routines or doing household chores can build appreciation and connection.
Q5: What tips do Kim and Kyle offer for building a strong support network?
A5: They suggest leveraging external support, such as swapping babysitting duties with friends, hiring part-time help, or using services for routine tasks. This helps parents reduce stress and focus on maintaining connection with each other.
Q6: How can parents let go of the pursuit of perfection?
A6: The episode encourages choosing connection over perfection, advising parents to embrace the chaos and prioritize meaningful interactions over maintaining a spotless home or perfect routine. Prioritizing moments of connection can have a lasting positive impact on family dynamics.
Q7: What are some practical ways to prioritize your relationship amid the parenting chaos?
A7: The episode recommends intentional practices like scheduling date nights, finding quiet moments after the kids go to bed, or simply checking in with each other during the day. By making time for each other, couples can strengthen their relationship, providing a solid foundation to handle parenting challenges together.
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