The Make it or Break It Skill of Relations

“Ukuxhumana kunamandla okuhlanganisa imibhangqwana kanye nezindlela zokuhlukanisa imibhangqwana.” – Olson, Olson-Sigg, kanye Larson, The Couple Checkup

Emdansweni oyinkimbinkimbi wothando nobambiswano, ukuxhumana kuma njengomqambi wokuzwana noma inkomba yokungezwani. Yinto enamathelayo ebopha izinhliziyo nensingo enqamula izibopho. Akudingi umcwaningi wobudlelwane ukuqonda ukuthi ukuxhumana kudlala indima ebalulekile empumelelweni noma ekuhlulekeni kobudlelwano.

Ucwaningo olusibonisayo ukuthi u-40% wabantu abasebudlelwaneni obujabulisayo bagomela ngokuthi ukuxhumana kuyisici esinelisa kakhulu sokuxhumana kwabo, kuyilapho abantu abadivosile bevame ukusho ukuntuleka kokuxhumana okuphumelelayo njengesizathu esiyinhloko sokuqedwa kwabo. Okunye ukuhlola okwenziwa emibhangqwaneni engu-50 379 engajabule futhi ejabule e-United States kwaphetha ngokuthi ukukhulumisana kwakuyisibikezelo esivelele somshado ojabulisayo.

Ukuqonda nokuqondwa umlingani, ukuzibandakanya ezingxoxweni ezijabulisayo, nokwakha ukwethembana nokusondelana kuyizithelo zokukhulumisana okuphumelelayo. Ngokungangabazeki ungomunye wokhiye ababaluleke kakhulu ekuvuleni ubudlelwano obuphephile nobunempilo. Nokho, nakuba kungase kubonakale kulula, ukukhulumisana kuyikhono eliyinkimbinkimbi futhi ngokuvamile eliqondwa kabi. Inhlolovo yamazwe ngamazwe yabalingani bothando abangu-70,000 yembula umehluko omkhulu phakathi kwamakhono okuxhumana azicabangela wona kanye nendlela umuntu abheka ngayo umlingani wakhe. Lokhu kunqanyulwa kugqamisa izinselele ezikhona ekuzulazuleni kwendawo eyinkimbinkimbi yokusebenzisana kwabantu.

Ukuxhumana kuwubuciko obuhlukene, obudinga ukuba abantu bangagcini nje ngokumunca amagama akhulunywayo kodwa futhi baqonde umongo, wamanje nowesikhathi esidlule, ukuze baqonde incazelo eyisisekelo. Njengokubhaka ikhekhe, ukukhulumisana kuhilela ukukhetha izithako ezifanele, kokubili ngamazwi nangokwezwi, nokuzihlanganisa ngokucabangisisa. Amagama esiwakhethayo anendaba, kodwa okubaluleke ngokufanayo yindlela esiwaveza ngayo. Indlela esilalela ngayo nalokho esikucabangayo njengoba silalela nakho kubaluleke ngokufanayo.

Gxilisa Ukuxhumana Kwakho: Qala I-Intimacy 5 Challenge Manje

Cabangela lezi zimo ezilandelayo:

Izimo zesikhulumi

• Isimo sokuqala: UJames uthi kuKris, “Kwenzenjani, awukaze uhlanze izitsha.”
• Isimo Sesibili: UJames uthi kuKris, “Ngikhathele namuhla, ungavuma ukugeza izitsha namuhla ebusuku? Kungangisiza kakhulu.”

Kuzo zombili lezi zimo, uJames ukhuluma ngesicelo esifanayo, kodwa iphimbo nendlela asebenza ngayo kwehluka kakhulu. Ucwaningo lukaDkt. Gottman luqinisa umqondo wokuthi u-94% wesikhathi, ingxoxo eqala kabi iphetha kabuhlungu. Ukufunda ukusebenzisa isiqalo esithambile, ukunikeza iresiphi yempumelelo, kwandisa amathuba okuqondwa umlingani.

Izimo zabalaleli

• Impendulo esuka ku Scenario One: U-Kris uyaphendula, “Nguwe onohlelo lomsebenzi oluhlanyayo futhi ungikhiphela lona.”
• I-Scenario One Secure Response: UKris uyaphendula, “Ngiyathola ukuthi izitsha ziyakucindezela, futhi ngizokunakekela lokho kusihlwa. Ngiyazi nawe ube nosuku olunzima futhi uthwele kanzima. Lapho ngizizwa ngihlaselwa, kungenza ngifune ukuzivikela, futhi angifuni ukwenza lokho. Ake sikhulume ngokwenzekayo, futhi ngicela usebenzele ukwabelana ngemizwa yakho eminingi ukuze ngikududuze ngokushesha.”

Empendulweni evikelekile, u-Kris uyisibonelo sesitayela sokuxhumana esigomelayo, esisekelwe kusitayela sokunamathisela esivikelekile. Kunokuba aphendule ngokuzivikela noma abuyisele ulaka, uKris uyayivuma imizwa nokukhathazeka kukaJames ngozwela nokuqonda. U-Kris futhi uthatha isibopho somsebenzi owenzayo kanye nokubeka imingcele yomuntu siqu mayelana nokukhulumisana okunokhahlo futhi umeme abalingani babo ukuthi babelane ngokwemizwa kakhudlwana.

• Impendulo Esebenzayo Yesimo Sesibili: UKris uyaphendula, “Akulona iphutha lami ukuthi ukhathele, kodwa ngizogeza izitsha.”
• Impendulo Evikelekile Yesimo Sesibili: UKris uyaphendula, “Ngiyajabula ukugeza izitsha. Uyafuna ukukhuluma ngokukhathala kwakho noma kukhona okunye ongakudinga? Ngifuna ukukweseka.”

Empendulweni esheshayo yesimo sesibili, uKris uqale wadelela icala ngokuthi, “Akulona iphutha lami ukuthi ukhathele, kodwa ngizowasha izitsha.” Le mpendulo, ngenkathi inikeza ukuzimisela ukwenza umsebenzi, yethula isici sokuzivikela futhi iqinisa ngobuqili ukuguquguquka okugxile ekusoleni. Alinakho ukuhambisana kwemizwelo nomoya wokubambisana owuphawu lokuxhumana okuphephile.

Ngokuphambene, impendulo evikelekile evela ku-Kris iyisibonelo sendlela yozwela nesekelayo. Ngokuzwakalisa injabulo ekunakekeleni izitsha, u-Kris akagcini ngokuvuma umsebenzi kodwa futhi umeme ingxoxo eyengeziwe mayelana nokukhathala kukaJames. Impendulo evikelekile kuSimo Sesibili igqamile ngokugcizelela kwayo ukwesekwa ngokomzwelo, ukuxhumana ngokukhululekile, ukugxila ezidingweni, kanye nokuxazulula izinkinga ngokubambisana. Le ndlela ifaka isandla ekwakhiweni kobudlelwano obuphephile nobuthuthukayo ngokukhulisa ukusondelana ngokomzwelo nokuqondana phakathi kwabalingani.

Ukuqonda Izitayela Zokuxhumana Nezitayela Zokunamathisela

Izindlela zethu zokuxhumana zigxile kakhulu kokuhlangenwe nakho kwethu, kokubili ebuntwaneni nasebudlelwaneni babantu abadala. Ngaphezu kwalokho, izitayela zokunamathisela ezakhiwe ebudlelwaneni bokuqala nabanakekeli ziba nomthelela omkhulu endleleni abantu abasondelana ngayo nokuxhumana. Ake sihlole ukuthi izitayela zokunamathisela zihlangana kanjani nezitayela zokuxhumana.

1. I-Passive (Isitayela Sokunamathisela Esigwema): Abantu abanesitayela sokuxhumana sokwenza okuthile bavame ukubonisa isitayela sokunamathisela esigwemayo. Ekukhuleni kwabo, laba bantu kungenzeka babe nabanakekeli abanokuhlangenwe nakho ababekude ngokomzwelo noma bengenandaba nokusabela kwabo. Ukuze babhekane nesimo, bafunda ukucindezela izidingo nemizwelo yabo, besaba ukwenqatshwa noma ukuxoshwa. Lokhu kunengqondo, uma nginabanakekeli abanolwazi abangekho ngami lapho ngibadinga, ngakho-ke kungcono ukuzimela noma ukuphika izidingo zami ukuze ngingaqhubeki ngizizwa nginganakwa ngokomzwelo.
2. I-Aggressive (Isitayela Esinamathiselwe Esikhathazekile): Umxhumanisi onolaka uvame ukuvumelanisa nesitayela sokunamathisela esikhathazekile. Abantu abanalesi sitayela bangase babe nabanakekeli abanolwazi ababetholakala ngokungaguquki, okuholela ekunamathiselweni okungavikelekile. Ukwesaba ukulahlwa kubashukumisela ukuba basebenzise indlela yokuxhumana yokugomela noma ngisho nolaka ukuze baqinisekise ukuthi izidingo zabo ziyahlangatshezwa. Lokhu kunengqondo ngoba uma ngingezwanga kodwa ngafunda ukuthi uma ngibhikisha (ngikhala kakhulu, ngifuna, noma ngenza iphutha) futhi ngithole izidingo zami, khona-ke ngizoqhubeka nokusebenzisa isu elisebenzayo.
3. I-Passive-Aggressive (Isitayela Sokunamathisela Esikhathazekile Nesigwema): Lesi sitayela sokuxhumana singabonakala kuzo zombili izitayela zokunamathisela ezikhathazekile nezigwemayo. Abantu abanokuthambekela kokungenzi lutho-nolaka kungenzeka babe nabanakekeli ababengalindelekile ekuphenduleni kwabo ngokomzwelo. Inhlanganisela yokwesaba ukwenqatshwa (ukugwema) kanye nokwesaba ukulahlwa (ukukhathazeka) kuholela kusitayela sokuxhumana esibonakala sibambisene phezulu kodwa sifihla i-undercurrent yokukhwabanisa. Lokhu kunengqondo ngoba uma sikhuliswe emkhayeni lapho ukuveza izidingo zethu ngokuqondile kuholela ekuziphindiseleni noma ekuthatheni kancane abanakekeli bethu, khona-ke sifunda ukuthi kufanele singaqondile noma sibonakale sibambisene ukuze sizame ukuthola izidingo zethu.
4. I-Assertive (Isitayela Esinamathiselwe Esivikelekile): Isikhulumi esigomela siqondana nesitayela sokunamathiselwe esivikelekile. Labo abanesitayela sokunamathisela esivikelekile ngokuvamile babenabanakekeli ababesabela ngokungaguquki futhi behambisana nezidingo zabo. Lesi sisekelo esivikelekile sibavumela ukuthi baveze imizwa yabo ngokukhululekile, ngaphandle kokwesaba ukwenqatshwa noma ukulahlwa.

Ebudlelwaneni, indlela yokuxhumana yozakwethu ngamunye izoba nomthelela ebudlelwaneni njengoba kukhonjisiwe esithombeni esingezansi.

Umthelela Wezitayela Ezinamathiselwe Ekusondelaneni Nokuxhumana

Ukusebenzisa indlela yokuxhumana yokugomela ebuhlotsheni kudala ukuphepha nokuvikeleka ngokomzwelo, okuholela ekutheni ozakwethu bazizwe bezwiwa, beqondwa, beqinisekisiwe, futhi besekelwe. Lapho bobabili abalingani behlangabezana nale mizwa, ukusondelana nokusondelana kuba imvelo yesibili.

Ngokuphambene, lapho ukuphepha ngokomzwelo kuntuleka, ozakwethu bangase bazizwe bengaqondwa kahle, bengezwakali, bengafaneleki, futhi besengozini yokugxekwa ngokuveza imizwa yabo yangempela. Ekuphenduleni, bangase bakhe izindonga ezingokomzwelo, bavimbele ukusondelana okuzayo nokuxhumana. Ukuzijwayeza ukuxhumana ngokuqiniseka kuba umkhuba obalulekile wokugcina ukuvuleka, ukwethembeka, nokuxhumana.

Izinyathelo Ezisebenzayo Zokuxhumana Okuqinisekile Ngezitayela Ezihlukene Zokunamathisela

1. Dala Indawo Yezingxoxo Eziphusile:

• Isitayela Esinamathiselwe Sokugwema: Khuthaza indawo ephephile lapho izidingo zokuveza zamukelwe.
• Isitayela Esinamathiselwe Esikhathazekile: Gqugquzela indawo lapho isiqiniseko sitholakala khona kalula, sinciphisa isidingo sokuxhumana okunolaka emizamweni yokuthola leso siqinisekiso.
• Ukuxhumana Okungajwayelekile (Kokubili Ukukhathazeka Nokugwema): Nyusa inkhulumomphendvulwano evulekile ukuze uvimbele ukwanda kokuthambekela kokungenzi lutho.
• Isitayela Esinamathiselwe Esivikelekile: Qhubeka uhlakulela izingxoxo ezinengqondo njengesandiso esingokwemvelo sesisekelo esivikelekile.

2. Ukuzidalula:

• Isitayela Esinamathiselwe Sokugwema: Kancane kancane yethula ulwazi lomuntu siqu, ugcizelele ukuphepha okudingekayo ukuze uqhubeke uvuleka.
• Isitayela Esinamathiselwe Esikhathazekile: Khuthaza ukuziveza njengendlela yokwakha ukwethembana kanye nokufuna ukuqinisekiswa ukuze unciphise ukwesaba ukulahlwa.
• Ukuxhumana Okungajwayelekile (Kokubili Ukukhathazeka Nokugwema): Bhekana nokwesaba okuyisisekelo okunomthelela ekuthambekeni kokungenzi lutho ngokuziveza obala.
• Isitayela Esinamathiselwe Esivikelekile: Qhubeka nokwamukela ukuziveza njengengxenye yemvelo yobudlelwano obuthembekile nobuvikelekile.

3. Ukugomela kanye “Mina” Izitatimende:

• Isitayela Esinamathiselwe Sokugwema: Zijwayeze ukuveza izidingo ngokugomela nangaphakathi wenze ukwesaba ukwaliwa kancane kuyilapho uvulela umlingani wakho indawo yokuhlangabezana nezidingo zakho.
• Isitayela Esinamathiselwe Esikhathazekile: Sebenzisa izitatimende ezithi “Mina” ukuze udlulisele izidingo ngokwenza ukwesaba ukushiywa kube kuncane kuyilapho unikeza isikhala sokuthi umlingani wakho abe khona kuwe.
• Ukuxhumana Okungajwayelekile (Kokubili Ukukhathazeka Nokugwema): Gqugquzela ukugomela njengendlela yokwephula umjikelezo wokuziphatha kokungenzi lutho. Kwenze kuphephe ukuveza izidingo futhi nisebenze ndawonye ukuze kuhlonishwe lezo zidingo noma nixoxisane ngokuthi kwenziwa kanjani ukuze izidingo zabo bonke ozakwethu zihlangatshezwe.
• Isitayela Esinamathiselwe Esivikelekile: Qhubeka nokusebenzisa izitatimende zokugomela kanye nezithi “Mina” njengamathuluzi ayisisekelo wokugcina ukuxhumana okunempilo.

Sengiphetha, ukuxhumana okuphumelelayo kuyisisekelo sobudlelwano obuxhumene, obuseduze, nobusekelayo. Ukuziba indima yesitayela somuntu sokuxhumana nesitayela sokunamathiselwe kungadala ibanga kanye nokunqanyulwa. Ukwamukela ukuxhumana ngokugomela njengomkhuba akuthuthukisi izinga lokuxhumana kuphela kodwa futhi kuthuthukisa impilo yonke yobudlelwano. Njengoba uqala lolu hambo lokuxhumana, khumbula ukuthi amandla amazwi akho adlulela ngale kwencazelo yawo engokoqobo—aphethe isihluthulelo senhliziyo yobudlelwano bakho.

Zitholele Isitayela Sakho Sothando

Izinsiza Ezengeziwe Zokuthuthukisa Ukuxhumana:

Izincwadi:

Imibhalo kule sayithi:

Izindatshana ezinamathiselwe:

I-Conflict Mindset Articles:

Amakhono Okuxhumana

Okuhlobene